Lost
by Jaguar2
Summary: Sitting on the bus, Buffy ponders her future. Post Chosen.


Title- Lost   
Rating- G  
Author- Kel- Jaguar  
Pairing- B/S, X/A, W/T  
Feedback- yes please! Email or just as a reply is fine, and much appreciated.  
Summary- A post Chosen fic. Buffy thinks about what she's going to do now. 

Spoilers- Chosen  
Disclaimer- All belongs to the God-like Joss et al. None of the characters are mine. I'm just writing this cos I enjoy it!   
Distributation: WC.com, 147 Blue Roses, CoTN, fanfiction.net. Anywhere else, please ask first

Authors Note: Bit of an angsty post-Chosen fic. If you haven't seen, don't read! 

****

Lost

The sun rose in fiery line, lighting up the sky, showing them the way forward. It was hard to think clearly, to think at all. The rumble of the engine was humming along in the background as chatter rose around her, excited voices, talking about the last fight. But it wasn't her chatter, wasn't her voice. She hadn't spoken a word since she'd gotten back on the bus.

It had all disappeared into the ground. They were happy to have escaped it. Just like before, they had won. The evil was gone, defeated and she could go on, live a happy life, the life she'd always dreamt of.

"B? You OK? You haven't spoken a word since…you know. We saved the world and all."

Buffy looked up to see her fellow slayer staring down at her. No, not just _her_ fellow slayer anymore. One of many. The Chosen Ones.

"I'm fine," she said quietly, returning her gaze out of the window. She tensed, waiting for the other girl to leave. After a couple of minutes she went back down to the front of the bus, leaving Buffy on her own again. She could hear the concerned voices from down the front, Faith was worried about her, Dawn was worried about her. They were all worried.

__

Stuff them, Buffy thought. It was all about her now. Buffy Buffy. Not Slayer Buffy. Now she could be who she wanted to be, just a girl, or rather just a woman. She sighed, resting her head against the back of her seat. The road stretched out in front of them. To her friends it symbolised the future- the bright, rosy future that they all had in front of them. Days and nights of laughter, away from the Hellmouth, away from vampires and demons and all those things that went bump in the night.

To the slayers, it was their destiny, the meaning of their lives. Fighting for their lives, for the world. For each other. Because they had each other now. It didn't have to be one girl in all the world anymore, it was lots of girls. Being the slayer wouldn't be a lonely job, wouldn't be so dangerous- they had backup, friends who were as strong as they were, friends that wouldn't be in danger. Everyone had someone.

But who did she have? No one. The one person she could trust with her life, the one person she'd been learning to love, was gone. They didn't have a future. He'd sacrificed his life to save the world, to save her and to save himself. And she hated him for it. How could he have gone and left her? All alone, again? It was bad enough that she'd let two of them go. When she'd finally realised what it meant to love someone, when she'd finally been ready to love someone and to give herself to them completely, he'd turned all Champion on her and died.

The tears that had stopped flowing hours ago came back with a vengeance. She had to hold her breath to stop the sobs from escaping, loud and clear, announcing to the rest of them that she wasn't happy. That she wished there had been another way. Why did he have to die? Hadn't he proved himself enough? He'd touched her in ways that nobody had touched her before and the world had ensured that they'd never be that way again. She hated the world, and she hated herself for leaving him there, leaving him to die all alone with only the mouth of hell to keep him company.

If he'd told her he loved her, she would have stayed. She would have seen it all with him, would have been there holding his hand as the flames took him away. Then they'd have taken her away as well, to somewhere where they could have been together. But that was never going to happen now. He'd told her she didn't love him. How did he know that? How could he tell her how she felt? Nobody knew that. Not even him. She did love him, in her own way and now she'd never be able to convince him that she did. Never.

She wiped her eyes and turned away from the window. Her heart caught in her throat as she saw a hazy figure between the tears. Could it be? Was it?

It was Xander. Her heart resumed its normal position and she took in a deep breath. "What do you want?"

"Buffy, we're all worried about you. We just saved the world! Surely happiness and much alcohol should follow, not sitting along at the back of the bus crying?" Xander took Buffy's hand in his own. It was warm. It reminded her of-

"Spike." She said it out loud, not meaning to.

"Spike? What do you mean, Spike? Spike's here?"

Buffy looked into Xander's eyes, shaking her head. "Spike's gone. He's gone forever. I'm never going to see him again, Xander, and I don't know how to live. I'm all alone, and I haven't got anything to do."

Xander tore his gaze away from his friend. He couldn't believe the sorrow in her eyes. But then, he could. He'd lost someone too.

"Buffy, I know how this feels. It's horrible, and it's not right. The pain we're feeling, it's not logical. You know, they gave their lives to save us, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. We're still going to miss them, think about them every day, feel that empty place inside of you that can't be filled by anyone else. But we have to go on. For Spike, for Anya. For all the people who've left us."

"I know, but I can't-"

"You can. You have to. We all do. We've all lost someone we loved to the Hellmouth, and that's why we fight. To make sure that they didn't die in vain."

Buffy sniffed, shaking her head. "I can't!" She said, but weaker this time. That thing inside her, the mystical something that made her a slayer, was burning. It was screaming at her, giving her strength, drying away her tears and sealing up the sorrow.

The light from the front of the bus was blocked out as Willow came to join them. She clasped her hand over Buffy's and Xander's and smiled. "We can do this. We do it for Anya, and Tara, and Spike."

Buffy smiled. "We do it every day."

Xander drew his two friends into a hug. "It's what we live for."

Chatter rose up around them, excited chatter, girls eager to fight the good fight. Buffy would join them, she would train them and teach them all that she knew. The bus rolled on, away from Sunnydale and towards- she didn't know what. But one thing was for certain. They were going forwards. For the friends that they had lost.

And she'd never forget.


End file.
